I totally dig Paul’s writings, and there are some verses from Romans 7 ringing in my ears tonight:
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do… For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.
Take a minute to digest that one. Can anybody relate?
This past Monday night Matt, our home group leader, taught on anger, and he made the observation that for some people anger is their default mode. When things get harried or don’t go as planned, they very quickly ignite into anger. That is not the case with me. I am quick to become angry, but that isn’t my default.
For whatever reason, life is particularly nutty right now. My life is this runaway stage coach that has me barely hanging on to the door, with my legs flapping behind me in the wind as we recklessly barrel down dirt paths. So I’m hurrying a lot, exercising very little, squeezing in quiet time, feeling guilty about having very little time for my girls, and I find myself slipping into default mode. When I am tired, stressed, bored, anxious, I eat. That’s my default.
And over the last year and a half, God has given me freedom from an unhealthy relationship with food. Not like a typical eating disorder but rather being in a place where my desire for food mastered me – instead of me being able to exercise self control and make wise choices about the food I ate. It was where I sought comfort and pleasure; it was a god in my life.
That is no longer the case, but I am finding it much harder to make wise choices right now. And I am splurging a lot more than I have in a long time. And I stood in my kitchen tonight and inhaled some Sam’s brownies like nobody’s business (from Campbell’s birthday). Now I’m not saying that Sam’s brownies are the devil’s vittles (though they may be), and it’s not even really about food. It’s about not allowing anything in my life to control me, and I know that it’s a slippery slope that descends very quickly from where I am to where I have been. So I’m afraid of what I see going on with me right now, much like the contradiction Paul shares in Romans, and I would certainly appreciate your prayers on this one. I value my freedom far too much to go there again…
And I was wondering…, what’s your default mode?