Spiritual Growth

I have a friend who is a high school English teacher and a mom, so she’s got the hookup if you’re looking for a sitter or a teen-for-hire. She recommended one of her students to a local business in town, and the student was hired. As the student prepared to start the new job, my friend cautioned her to do a good job. “Since I recommended you, my name’s on the line here.”

I’m even like that a little with my children. When they leave their manners tucked in their sock drawers, to some degree that reflects on me as a parent, or at least I feel like it does.

And I’ve been a little freaked out about this whole concept the past few days. As I put my words out here on a somewhat regular basis and as I write for She, I am more public than I have ever been. And as I write about my life, my experiences with God, and those of other people, I am going pretty public as a Christ follower. Now I am honored and humbled to hang that sign around my neck and to wear that T-shirt, but it also means carrying around a cinder block in my belly a lot of the times too. I get so anxious I almost throw up when I stare into the screen and think, “His name’s on the line here.” Or when I have daymares about the repercussions of gettin’ testy with a store clerk, pretending not to see an acquaintance I don’t want to chat with, or indulging in gossip with other moms.

Now I know that He is totally sovereign. That I am not able to mess up His plan. That there is grace because I am not perfect. BUT I also know that I can hinder the cause of Christ by wearing the T-shirt while acting in a way that is inconsistent with His character.

So it is my prayer that I do not dishonor His name in my efforts to share His work in my life. And I am seeking the precarious balance of doing right by all people (according to His commands) without believing that I have to please everyone. I’m a firstborn; it’s my natural inclination to want to please people. But God clearly lays out that His ways are not the ways of man, so I can’t play both sides of the field and hope all that works out okay in the end.

Got the T-shirt. Wearin’ it with pride. Prayin’ I don’t stain it in the process…

Endnote: My nickname as a child was Messmaker, and I’ve already shared my tendency to collect food stains. You get my drift?

I had a disturbing experience at church this past Sunday. Chris and I were “teaching” the two year-old class during “big” church (thirteen preschoolers in all), and it was our first time in this particular class. As parents were depositing their little ones in our care; I was all business – compulsively counting little ones at all times, speaking with parents, trying to remember which bag belonged to whom, who pottied and who would need changing, monitoring the shenanigans of the youth helpers, trying to keep kids from drinking out of the wrong cups, and wondering how in the tarnation I was going to tell the story of John baptizing Jesus in a way that was relevant and riveting for my audience.

And I am not an effective multi-tasker. I can be super-focused girl, but a multi-tasker I am not.

And in walks a mom who is a first-time visitor. There are many people at the church we attend that we do not know, so I did not know this was her first visit. My demeanor was the same with her; I think I was cordial and pleasant. Perhaps she saw the frazzle in my eyes, but she stepped into the hall for a few moments of hesitation and then re-entered the room to retrieve her son. I was shocked. She went on to collect her other two children, and she and her husband left.

I hate revisiting this experience because it is a negative reflection on me and how I failed to serve and reassure this mom. There are many reasons she may have left, but I bear at least some, if not all, of the responsibility for this incident. She was not at all rude to me, nor did she seem angry, but she was obviously displeased.

And you know, it bothers me so much because I was the face of that church to her and I am to be a face that reflects Jesus to her, and I missed the mark. I’m not heaping condemnation on my head, but I am trying to be changed by that brief interaction. I want to forever remember it; I am thankful it happened.

Whether I am at church or at the convenience store or at the gym or at Carson’s school, I am a face that is to reflect Jesus. I get that. And normally I am very conscious of trying to behave in a way that honors and pleases Him, but when I was distracted I missed an opportunity to minister to a family who was probably looking for a community of believers to plug in to.

If I knew her name or had her email address, I would love to apologize for her experience. But sometimes we don’t get second chances; we don’t get a do-over. So it is my prayer that I will ever be sensitive to opportunities to communicate reassurance and encouragement to those who may need a dose and that I will be committed to serving others with excellence.

Because I am a face that is to reflect Jesus…