The Beholder

I am not a woman who creates beautiful things, but I sincerely applaud and even turn a shade of green at the acknowledgement of those of you who are. In brainstorming for this post, I wanted to share the process of something beautiful I have created, but I honestly stared blankly into an empty portfolio. I could only think of one handsome apple pie I baked and the time – long ago – when Carson said, “Mama, I wish I could color as good as you” – the crowning compliment of my artistic ventures. Oh yeah, I did paint our cat’s water bowl and a soap dish in our bathroom (which is really meant to be a sushi dish). And I can strategically place tissue paper in a gift bag or basket and make it look adequate. That’s it, I’m afraid.

So, I confess. I cannot take a twig, a scrap of ribbon, a feather, a plum, a few fern fronds, and a piece of bubblegum and make a glorious centerpiece. I do not prepare meals that are aesthetically appealing. I am at a loss when it comes to decorating. I cannot sew. I am inept at arranging flowers. I do not grow beautiful things and have, therefore, relinquished that duty to my husband, who is much better at it than I am. I am unable to make a pleasant sound with my voice or any other instrument under the sun. I am not crafty, and I do not smock (is that even a real verb?). I am dangerous with a hot glue gun but not in a creative sense, and I cannot work magic with a spool of ribbon. I do not tie well-formed bows, not on a gift or a dress. Back in the day I seriously stopped buying dresses for my daughters that required me to tie a bow. Those two long strips of fabric on the sides of a dress taunted me and dared me to put my deficiency on display on the backsides of my darlings, and I refused and instituted my own personal boycott.

Furthermore, I have spent my life surrounded by women who are beauty engineers: my Nana, my mom, my stepmother, my aunt, my mother-in-law, great friends. They can work miracles with paint and pastries and photographs and flowers and baskets and bows, and they are generous enough to bail me out when my life has required something beautiful from me (creative art projects for school, home improvement projects, gifts, entertaining, etc…).

Lest I need therapy before I finish writing this, I have discovered my role here. I am a beholder. My life is richer because of the beauty that surrounds me – whether it’s lyrics and a beat that so precisely articulate my heart or candlelight or a Clemson sunset or the furious flapping of a hummingbird or the funky paintings hanging on the walls of a coffeehouse. I see it on the face of a smiling child, in the patterns and stitches of a quilt made by my Nana, in the lush wildness of an uninterrupted forest, and in a poignant photograph of people I don’t even know. My experience with beauty often shocks my system and causes me to catch my breath and stare; I am hungry to live in that state of wonder and awe regarding the beauty and complexity around me. I am content to be a beholder.

But I am more. I am the daughter of the Creator of beautiful things. All beauty and truth find their origin in Him, and He whispers that I am more. I am an object of beauty – not because of my appearance or my intelligence or even my goodness or kindness – simply because I’m His. Like any proud father, He gushes that He is “enthralled by [my] beauty” (Psalm 45:11) and yours. And I think that’s just beautiful…

30 Things that Make My Life Better

    I have never been more aware of how difficult life is than I am now.  I have people close to me who have lost children, who are walking through divorce, who live in the darkness of depression, those who have been hurt so deeply they lose all trust and embrace emotional isolation. In fact, I have been that person.  Hurting people are my people.
    So.  Every now and then.  Or honestly, more than that, in spite of the suck and the heavy, we need to savor some sweet. My life is better and richer and more enjoyable because of these rather tiny things…
  • vanilla milkshake from McDonalds (yummier than Chick-Fil-A and Bruster’s and not-as-bad-for-you, I think)
  • listening to my girls pray
  • a succinct explanation captured in just the right words (rarely happens for me…)
  • pee-in-your-pants, gasping-for-air laughter
  • an easy exercise day (not necessarily a light one – just one that’s not agony with every step)
  • small surprises (bigger ones tend to freak out the planner in me – that’s very sad, I know)
  • a big, Sunday meal cooked by my Mama (FRIED CHICKEN!!!!!)
  • people who know me and get excited to see me (as opposed to people who know me and don’t get excited to see me)
  • hormonal balance
  • dishes that don’t take long to wash
  • new episodes of Gator Boys and other favorite shows
  • good hair days
  • reading the Sunday paper
  • justice
  • new restaurants
  • the absence of fear
  • deep, deep needed sleep
  • adult Halloween parties
  • a good hard sob that leaves me with gigantic eyelids and a killer headache (not often, mind you – but there’s a purging and an honesty that takes place in that kind of cry)
  • offspring who wake up happy
  • returning home after a weekend away
  • naps
  • a completed To Do list
  • beauty
  • finding a recipe that I already have the ingredients for
  • contagious enthusiasm
  • planning vacations
  • Scripture that speaks right to my need
  • warm chocolate chip cookies
  • grace

I am thankful for my abundant life – an abundance of blessings and joys and smiles and belly laughs and tears and challenges and frustrations and freedoms and treats and twists and turns and surprises and…I am thankful for it all. But most of all I am thankful for Him who is responsible for all the good around me, for anything good in me, and for anything good that ever comes from me. He is Goodness.

The difference 365 days & Jesus can make…

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The difference 365 days & Jesus can make. Last Christmas was the worst for us. We were both jobless and living in a tiny rental. We had lived in four houses in 16 months, and our marriage was in a bad place. I was at the bottom of a well of despair and depression; all I heard was darkness. All I tasted was darkness. And in it, I turned away from God – told him to take his hand off my life or let me die. Chris was crushed by the weight of providing for us. Security for us. Stability. A livelihood. He felt the weight of keeping our entire family afloat when we were all barely snatching gasps of air.

While some of our lowest points occurred in 2014, slowly but surely the Lord began to administer healing. And not only that…JOY! Peace. Forgiveness. A love and a passion and an insight that is purely beautiful. Our marriage, our children, and both of us are thriving like never before. So much so that Christmas 2014 has been our best one yet!

And if this Christmas has been difficult, keep breathing – even when you don’t want to and He gives you no choice – ’cause He is faithful. Even when we aren’t. Merry, Merry Christmas to you from the Cawthon Clan! #OnlyJesus

Go Tell It…

As I see it, faith is the hard thing. Believing in what we cannot see right now. Believing when we don’t understand. Living a life that requires God to show up. And do something…

Instead of living within the boundaries of what we can pull off on our own.

To me, it feels like a high dive jump. I lose my breath. I have no control. I feel overwhelmed. And terrified. I free fall in His faithfulness – the only real way to experience it. To know it and trust it next time.

Come and listen, all you who fear God;

let me tell you what He has done for me

(Psalm 66:16).

Okay. In the interest of giving Him a complete shout-out for His faithfulness, how has He proven faithful in your life? What was your greatest high dive, and how did He come through for you?

No Trespassing

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor

(Isaiah 61:3).
I want to be that. An oak of righteousness. A planting of the Lord. I want the seed to take root in good soil. And grow and grow. And grow. Changing to look more like Him. So that my life displays just what a splendid God He is. So someone might say, “You look just like your Daddy!”

Not allowing weeds and thorns – worries and stresses and a gross desire for more – to choke the life out of His whisper in my ear, His voice in my heart.

Funny how that was one of the key points of the first session of Tell the Truth, but I find myself worrying this week. Our next session is on faith, but I find myself a little anxious with doubt. Isn’t that how it goes? I certainly learn far more through the studies than I teach. Love, though, that the Truth is so at my fingertips as I prepare that I have been quickly redirected when my skin tries to get in the way.
Here we go with the practical again. ‘Cause I think Bible study should be big on the practical. Nice ideas aren’t very useful to us, right? How does the whole Parable of the Sower (Matthew 13:3-23) resonate with you? How have you seen worry and wealth diminish God’s work in you? What have you found to be effective in combating that?

I’ll go first. I can turn in to a complete stress ball. And I can get so hyperfocused on the tasks of my life. And my brain can get so set on getting things done that my quiet time is completed as one more thing to do. I can be super faithful to read His Word, but my heart and my mind are on lock down. “No Trespassing” my brain says even to His Word, His voice. Closed.
I am in a busy time of life – the next two weeks involve a lot of deadlines and things to do, but for the very first time in my life, I am feeling free in the face of what usually crumbles me. Coming out of a fresh season of brokenness, I think He has given me new perspective on how to finish well, how to rest in Him, how to actually increase productivity and creativity by prioritizing times of refreshing. I submit my day to Him in prayer in the morning; I beg for right perspective when I begin to feel crushed by my own expectations, and I am refusing to sacrifice my family, my relationships on the altar of my own crazy perfectionism. I have found that a genuine desire to be changed, to run the race well, and persistent prayer for help is working for me. Praying, too, that He will work this change through and through so that I find some lasting freedom from a brain and heart on lock down.
Now. Your turn…